First off, let me state I've had some absolutely horrible therapists over the years. I've quit therapy entirely over how bad some of them were (the horror stories I could tell). In fact my quitting therapy was almost a running joke at one point.

Last year I started seeing my T and she's actually wonderful. (so wonderful I haven't fled her office and actually referred someone to her.). She's extremely warm and gentle with me so much so that I told her about an incident in my past that I've never been able to really speak about. She's been great through all of this doing an emergency phone session as well as making me do breathing exercises every time I started getting worked up. (A past T stared at me in horror when I had a panic attack in her office)

I tried to let her know I'm really feeling like I should be punished at the moment. <trigger> I keep having thoughts of self harm and today dying felt preferable to this<\trigger>

I know she needs to know and she does about the first but not the second. I wouldn't act on it but I feel like I need to give her my Swiss Army knife for safe keeping and ask if we can go to biweekly for a while.

I'm afraid of course that she'll say I need to go to the hospital or will tell me no to extra sessions. She probably doesn't have the time to fit me in anyway and has patients that need her more so I probably shouldn't even bring it up. Pretty much my thought is she's going to try to ditch me into some day program where I know from the past I don't do well (I shut down completely in group sessions and trauma based programs are too triggering)

So maybe I should just keep quiet. [emoji29]

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