Tonight, after telling my husband how terribly mentally sick I was today, he decided that this is the night I should start walking on the elliptical. "It will make you feel so much better," he said, "you've never tried it as a remedy for your depression" He playfully suggested that I get on the elliptical or that he would throw me on the floor. While I am fully aware that he would only in silliness throw me on the floor, I wasn't in the mood and I didn't think it would be funny. He was absolutely serious, I was to get on the elliptical or he would throw me on the floor. I told him I didn't appreciate his attempts to exert his power over me and he thought my statement was ridiculously out of proportion. Then he told me I needed to "get my lazy *** up and do something." I told him I am not a lazy *** and he said "of course you're a lazy ***. What time is it now? [I told him] What time did you get on the couch?" I just ignored the question. In response, he went on and on about how I refuse help from everyone and everything (even though I am currently in an IOP, have therapy regularly, take my meds as directed and at least try to practice mindfulness). He said "you are about to go to a dietician because you are overweight and eat junk constantly yet you refuse to do anything about it. All you do is lie around. You are pitiful." I told him I simply didn't feel up to working out tonight. I told him after the IOP is over, I will start to work out in the mornings. "No you won't, he said. "You will just have more excuses." I told him if that is how he felt, I won't (not literally, but talk about giving up on someone). Besides, when is the last time he worked out? Yes, he works a physically exhausting job but staying home with three young kids is mentally exhausting. Add a severe mental illness and it makes working out, which used to come naturally to me, nearly impossible to think about, let alone begin. Besides, I'm not going to start working out for another person. Anyway, it wasn't an argument, it was a conversation, but it was sad. Now, I am giving him the silent treatment which is unusual because I usually either brush the stupid stuff he says off my back or cry until he comes to me and we talk about it. I'm so freaking sensitive. He was continuously walking around me just telling me how ridiculous I am being for giving him the silent treatment. I wouldn't even look at him. He finally went downstairs. I will go to bed tonight without even telling him goodnight.

Tonight I am soaking in some Bob Dylan (and oh is it soul cleansing):
Like a Rolling Stone