Well, it is definitely our jobs to protect the little innies. I understand your prediciment, but I'm a mommy on the outside as well. I have found that lots of times I can get my children to draw pictures of things they want when they are too shy or too reserved to say it out loud. Do you have crayons and maybe some paper? Tell her you'd like to see a picture of how she envision holding T's hand. AFTER she draws it, then ask her, "You know, I'm happy to tell her what you'd like, but would mind if I show her your picture too? That way she can see just how you'd like her to hold your hand/hug you."

My innies like to color a lot. I go through a couple boxes of crayons a month.