Hello all -- I guess the higher dose of Effexor is starting to kick in. I'm starting to feel a bit better -- as if my brains aren't as shattered as a mirror and my body is walking through swamp mud.

One thing my T warned me about when we met last week was that sometimes, as people start to feel better, they at last have the energy to put suicide plans into action, and to watch out for such "suicidal ideations," as he calls them in shrink-talk. Sure enough, when I woke up Saturday -- late as usual -- one of my first waking thoughts was, "Got nothing to live for. Hey, maybe I feel good enough to go down to Walmart (probably another place that won't hire me) and gather the materials I need for the Big Send Off" and busy mind refining details of the plan. So glad my T warned this could happen, so that I could get off that line of thinking right away.

Harder to get away from are the thoughts -- What the h**** have I been doing with myself these past months? Why I haven't I GONE OUT to look for jobs? Why have I holed up in this dark apartment, my "Bat Cave" for months? Why haven't I taken advantage of the many art shows, museums, and cultural events in New Orleans, even if I can't go to hear jazz in bars? Why haven't I been hard at work on my latest book? And this is crushing in addition to having to move -- and still not deciding WHERE -- and needing a source of income. My mother calls every week --but I get the feeling that she doesn't really want to talk with her, that contact with me is "too upsetting" for her. Like Scarlett O'Hara, mom absolutely refuses to think about anything that upsets her in any way. Well, at least that works for her. I don't have a plan that works.

Last thought, unrelated -- who is this cowboy who posted all the inappropriate "Make Money Online" topics on just about every forum. Is s/he planning to visit the Critical Care Unit of any hospitals to ask around there, too? Has he/she ever heard the word "appropriate"? Enough ranting. Wonder if we need a forum for Raves and Rants.