Hello there! If you entered here it means you might know how i'm feeling and maybe can help me.
I'm 16 years old and live in Costa Rica, and i'm not sure whether life is worth it anymore. I know it's dumb since i'm young and have my whole life ahead of me but i still can't help but hope i simply disappear.
I'm not saying i have a full blown depression or anything, but i certainly feel depressed.
The worst part is that i don't really have anyone to talk to... I do have friends and family but most of my friends aren't really that close and i can't talk to them about it because then they'd say things like "oh, you just want attention" or "stop being so dramatic". And i also tried to tell my parent's but that didn't go that well. See, my mom suffers from depression so me and my sister usually have to pretend like everything is okay so that she'll feel happy. But this one time i got the guts to tell her that i felt like i didn't want to live anymore and like life's just a horrible thing that i no longer want to go through. The sad thing was, instead of doing anything about it she just went into her room while i cried telling her and locked herself in. So me and my sister kept knocking on her door for about 3 hours and when we looked inside the window there she was, laying on the bed simply sitting there, doing nothing. Then my dad came home and the **** hit the fan.
Well here's the thing about my dad, he's not the most loving guy in the world. He's usually very cold and barely says "I love you". And that sucks. He has only said "I'm sorry" about 8 times in my life (seriously, i've counted them) and he's the type of guy who would rather give me money to go watch a movie than spend some time playing a board game with me or something. I don't know why i'm telling you this but still, at least now you know.
So he comes home and i'm just sitting in the couch, my eyes red and sore from crying, and he asks where mom is. I tell him she locked herself in and that she won't come out and right then he responds "what did you do now?". Not gonna lie, that kind of hurts you know, to be blamed right away instead of asking what happened. So i tell him that i said i wanted to kill myself and she went to her room and he simply looked at me and went to the room. What a great father! After about fifteen minutes he comes back and says he wants to talk to me, so naturally i agree (i was actually happy because i thought that maybe he could help me out or something). But since my life isn't a wonderful one, he said that i was being a selfish, stupid, idiot and that i just wanted to manipulate them to get attention. **** ME. I had been considering it for months now and the one time i decide to tell them that is what happens. Also, he really likes to insult me and my sister (usually with the typical "stupid" or "idiot" but sometimes he gets creative. And he is also a fan of using the belt as a punishment (quite the cliche if you ask me, the angry latino father hitting his children in the *** with a belt while they cry and beg mom for help or at least mercy.
So yeah, that's pretty much it for now. I'm too much of a coward to do it because i'm not a fan of pain and don't really know how to do it. And i try to have some sort of hope for the good things that could come (the main one is the fact that i want to study mechatronical engineering and it excites me), but it's kind of hard since it's still far away and all that.
I know i sound like an ungrateful a-hole because i have a roof over my head and food and can actually have the luxury of studying in a good school and, eventually, going to college, but i'm not really that much of a *****.
I try to distract myself a lot, i love reading (The Catcher in the Rye is my favorite novel but i also enjoy reading about science and math), and i listen to a lot of music. Yet still i feel like it would be easier to simply kill myself and free the world of a burden, no matter how tiny and useless.
I really hope someone replies.
Ps: I'm very sorry for my crappy English, but at least i have the excuse that it isn't my first language.