I totally get where you are coming from. I was sexually abused as a small child. I was a sex addict for many years because of this. I thought that sex and love were the same thing. The weird thing is that when I did have sex I wanted it to be over with as fast as possible. I wanted to get off and be done. Sometimes I would go numb when it was happening. When we are abused as children we come to believe that it is normal. Then when we get out on our own we continue the behavior because that is what we learned. I am working with a therapist now doing a 12 week PTSD course. I am learning about stuck points where something happens, you tell yourself something, you feel something. Stuck points are thoughts that you have that keep you from recovering. They often use the words "if" "never" "always". For example "If I would have said no I wouldn't have been raped", or "I should have known better", or "I must control everything that happens to me". I urge you to talk to your Therapist about this! It has helped me immensely and changed my thinking about myself and my life.