PHP: Day Four

Today was day four of the program. I didn’t really feel like writing last night for whatever reason. Yesterday was a pretty good day. We had the normal daily affirmation, goal setting and open processing group with Iris (Lilly’s backup). There were some people who really needed to do some digging, so we focused on them that day. She offered, of course, that anyone could talk if they needed to about whatever, but I was fine.

I have had a pretty peaceful last couple of days actually. I really do think a lot of it has to do with them cancelling my prescriptions. The truth is, I don’t want to kill myself – I just have a hard time living. I’m still in the process of trying to find a reason to live; and because I’m not finding those reasons so easily, it felt like those pills being so available were almost taunting me. As if life was basically handing them over to me saying – “get it over with already.”

The skill session we had was on “Radical Acceptance”. It’s pretty easy in theory, but not so much in action. She did a couple of exercises that demonstrated us having the choice to not stay in an uncomfortable, disturbing and unchanging situation, but choosing to remove yourself from it and put yourself in a position that allows you to do what is best for me.

After lunch, we had a session with a dietician. She taught us how to read the nutrition label and gave us a handout on the ingredients and percentages you should look at on the label, etc. It was a pretty mundane session but not bad.

The last session was like an orientation session where we were informed of all the things the program had to offer, etc. And I absolutely hated it. Somehow, it turned into a gripe session and everyone was complaining about how they want smaller groups, more individual therapy time, etc. etc. etc. And I just got soooooo annoyed. I could barely sit still today as it was, but by this point I was physically holding myself in place. People went on and on and on about how you can’t really be honest because of mandatory reporting and how they didn’t have enough time to talk in group, etc. etc. By the end, I had my face literally buried in my blanket and was humming to myself (which, I realized was probably rude, so I made myself be quiet).

I just did not enjoy it, so afterwards, I went to Iris’ office and told her that I will never ever go back to that group again –I would literally skip it if I had to. She reminded me of the affirmation I selected for the day (I choose to enjoy this moment), and reminded me that I had a good day before that.

After I left Lilly called me. She said that Iris told her about our chat and she wanted to follow up to see if there was anything unresolved that I needed/wanted to talk about (which I didn’t).

One of the discharge planners called me in the office and said that they like for us to schedule a few sessions with our regular counselor as a transition out of the program and back to them. She tried to call T’s office to schedule but they don’t allow others to schedule for us, and I had to be on the phone with them to give them permission. In the end, though, my schedule isn’t going to work out that way, so I will not be seeing T until after I’m discharged from IOP.

My family doesn’t know I’m in day program, but my aunt does (because I had to have an emergency contact. She asked me how the program was going. I told her a little bit and she said that at least I’m not “that bad off” with the depression like some people and I should be “okay” soon enough. I don’t really like that statement. It feels dismissive and invalidating but I can’t really be mad because like we are taught – other people are not mind readers. I wear a mask around most people (family included) and I have to accept that as the consequence of my choice to remain a private person.

I’m feeling kind of tired (physically) these days, but it could be the meds, early morning or a combination of everything. They track that too though, so if that becomes an issue, they’ll address it.

Today’s skill was a DBT lesson on asking for what we want and standing our ground. This is the one that I will need to practice the most – and the lack of this skill is a big part of how I ended up in the program in the first place.

We had a group on identifying our values and another on recognizing the things we like about ourselves and the people we have in our life (support system) that can help us treasure those.

The treatment team met today, and as planned, I will be switching to IOP on Monday for a projected two weeks. I'm sad to go, but I'm trying not to focus on that part now and just enjoy and soak in what I can now.