Where to start...

I've wanted kids for a long time, and my fiance wants kids after we get married... but I'm having weird gynecologic issues and I'm worried that I won't be able to. I don't know what it will do to me mentally if I can't.

I am having a female hormone blood panel done this week and next week I have to have an abdominopelvic CT scan done. I'm half relieved that I might find out what's been going on, but half terrified of what might be found. Among those possibilities are than I could have PCOD (polycystic ovarian disease), and if that is the case it isn't likely that I'll ever be able to have kids. And even if I don't have PCOD, it's very likely that I have anovulation (little or no ovulation), and that could prevent me from having children as well.

If I have any of the things that I could, somehow I wonder if subconsciously I knew I couldn't have kids, and that's why I've wanted them so badly... I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't care.

My fiance and I have discussed other options if I can't have kids, such as adoption and surrogacy, but I think it just wouldn't be the same. Maybe I'm being selfish... but I feel like the one thing I've always wanted is about to be ripped away from me before I can even get close to it. And it hurts.