I really really really can't focus on work right now. I keep having thoughts of wanting to die. I was doing fine until this week. I found out my dog passed on Monday evening. I cried for two straight hours at work before I realized I wasn't doing **** anyway, so I went home. Everything went downhill from there. Productivity? What is that? I just sit here at my desk pretending like I'm working, but I really just can't focus on the task at hand. I end up taking 6 hours on something that should have been done in 2. I almost want to just take random PTO (paid time off) to cover up my inefficiency, but we're right in the middle of our busiest time of the year. There are people counting on me to get things done for them. And I can't seem to drag my *** to do any of it. Nothing. No more motivation. I feel like I'm hurting somewhere, but I don't feel physical pain. I can't seem make my face into any other shape except this ugly squashy frown. I tried to relax my forehead muscles with my thumbs. Didn't work. It's still frowning. I have the lowest amount of charge hours in history this week. It's so pitifully abysmal. It sounds stupid as hell to be using my dog's death as some sort of excuse for suddenly not wanting to live or continue living and work properly like I should. I don't think my HR manager would allow me to take time off because she's probably one of the most heartless human beings alive, but who am I to judge... I noticed we have a charge code for "bereavement" but mourning a dog (as opposed to a person) probably doesn't count to her. I don't even think it's about my dog at this point. I am just a depressed person. I really hate myself. Every little failure makes me want to die. And I know this is not normal. I know I need to snap out of it. I know I'm not doing well. I want to just go home or crawl under my desk and cry in the dark corner. I'm tired of telling people "No I am still not doing ok." I'm tired of being a sad emoticon. I hate this. I hate myself. I hate these feelings.