Right now I'm so in love with someone that it's hard for me to type this. My heart is pounding and my stomach is in knots and I would do anything at all for him. I love him so much I wish I were dead because I can't have him. It's not physically possible. He's been dead over over two decades.

This happens every so often, where I'll suddenly get very, very, very intense feelings for a certain person, my favorite celebrity in this case, so much so that I want to hurt myself because of how agonizing this excessive love I feel is, but in a few hours time I'll wish they were dead. I can't even explain the rage. I get so angry and I rip down pictures and throw away cherished items and delete files the I associate with them, and if it's a friend I'll block them on social media because I just can't STAND the IDEA of them. Like with the person I'm in love with right now - int he past when I started hating him, I would hate him so much I couldn't even use the pronouns he/his/him/himself because those are the pronouns he uses.

These cycles usually go unnoticed by others because they happen at night when I'm in the privacy of my room but they get so unbearable. In my rages I often end up hitting and scratching myself because I can't stand them or myself. Any idea what this could be related to? Is this something I should talk to a mental health professional about?