Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiya
I have alternating thoughts... no pun intended 
Sometimes I think of myself having alters and I can feel them come and go and hear their thoughts, feel their feelings because we're co-consciousness... until we're not.
THEN during a full swap I guess I AM them... if that makes sense. Like Sometimes I am me and mine, and then other times I am just Other. And I can be me with one feeling, then I can be Other with a different feeling.
This morning, for example, I was thinking about this thing with my mom needing to be in pt rehab. Even tho I had explained the situation well to the pt at the hospital, 22 (my Elsa from Frozen; ice queen) was thinking all these mean thoughts of "what if... I bet.... they'll never...". But I tried to bat those away.
I get to the hospital, and sure enough Mom's cleared to go home. Suddenly I AM Elsa. I don't give a crap. I stare moodily out the window, even though I felt good just 20 minutes before. I make my mom cry. I can't even feel like I can say Elsa did it because it was ME AS OTHER, vs me in the back noticing other alters in front....
?????
I haven't been able to shake that mood all day, even when they un-cleared mom and kept her there. (YAY!!!!) I should be happy. But I'm not. I'm moody and irascible. Likely exhaustion.
Meanwhile, when I read your title, I thought of the pic on the net of the cute white kitten with big eyes staring out the window with the caption:
"I really want you to pet me... but I also kinda want to bite you". Quite apt.
There's a man RN coming to my house Friday: just as the scheduler said "His name is ___", and I registered A MAN, she asked if I had any animals in the house that he needed to worry about... I thought of Thaila (wild Child) and her biting... I almost said "Only internally" but my speech was blocked with all the thoughts of Man, animal, Thaila... she had to repeat the question.
I hope I didn't get too off topic. |
.
. Thank you for sharing, Kiya. No, you didn't go too off topic. I'm just finding it really hard to tell which feelings are mine, and which are not. Today for example, I woke early this morning, so pissed off, and was like that for a good hour. I don't even know why. I had no reason to be angry at anyone or anything. Since when do people wake up in a murderous rage? Since 6a.m after the rage passed, it's been alternating between being on the verge of crying, and words echoing through my head "we;re fine. I'm fine. Stay positive. I'm happy, I'm happy." I don't know who is trying to convince themselves they're happy. Urgh!!!
And I hate myself for being so out of touch with my own feeling that I don't even know what I'm supposed to be feeling. Am I even feeling? I'm so lost right now.
First, I think I want to cry my bloody eyes out!
Then, I think, no we're ok. We're fine. We're happy.
Then it's starts again with urge to cry.
.......