one of the things I struggle with in therapy is sitting in the chair she has for clients. I think I may have posted some here about it but not a lot of details and feelings about it . my T and I have different ideas about how this came to be . I have figured out that all this took place when I was in second grade so I had to be about 7 years old . so my complete memory is scattered. I guess the mother ,step farther ,brother and I were in therapy because of my behavior and bad grades in school. according to the mother the therapist told her that all I want is attention and what she should do about it . the idea was to publically shame me when I am looking for attention . this is ware my T and I differ . she does not believe that a T would tell the mother to treat me in such a matter. anyway this is what it was all about

any time the mother felt I was doing something to gain attention for myself I was to be humiliated by everyone in the family . she would announce to everyone that I was in need of attention and everyone would gather around and start laughing at me and clapping . especially her and my brother would just get out of control with it . at this point in my life I don't remember the exact things that were said .I guess it depended on the situation but I do remember how it felt. I felt so horrible .that I was completely worthless . that my family hated me . it was so much more worse when my stepfather was told to participate . I loved him with all my heart and it was completely crushing when he would clap. again the mother and brother seemed to get great pleasure in doing this . it got worse as this went on . when ever the mother deemed my behavior warranted this I was seated in a dining room chair placed in the center of the dining room facing out from the table so that I would be the center of attention so that they could comment as they wished apparently giving me the attention I wanted . they would be mean and sarcastic . the more I would get upset the more they would seem to make fun of me . saying things like what you don't like being the center of attention . thought you did . calling me princess. asking if I have had enough attention yet and if I was crying they would say I guess not and I would have to sit there longer as I would be made fun of as they walked bye me sitting there . I remember the feelings of out of control panic . the huge pain of my family just hating me and not knowing what to do to fix it . I wanted to fix it so bad . if I opened my mouth it was worse . if I cried it was worse . it had to be that I felt so lost and trapped in that chair .so on display . it was an old dining room chair .I can still feel how it felt to be sitting in that chair .feeling the hardness of it when sitting on it for so long . it would creak because it was old . I remember trying to not move and make it creak. if I was quiet they would forget I was there . it never worked . I swear the thing creaked if I breathed .but I tried .

my Therapist has a wooden chair for her clients to sit in during session. I hate it . especially when I get there sit in it and she sits in hers looking at me and so quiet. it feels so much like I am back sitting in that chair in that dining room . wondering what horrible thing my therapist is thinking . it feels so horrible . I don't think she understands how badly this was when the mother did this to me . I have said something of it but she didn't seem to put a lot of merit to it at all. anyway it seems I cant even relay here how horrible the experience was for me .here it just sounds like im pathetic . so what I had to sit in a chair . at least then she was not beating you . and I don't even want to start on what she had me wear to school because I was acting like a big spoild baby so needed to dress like one