Hello.. I'm not sure if anybody remembers me but please take the time to read this, I feel like this is it..
I'm literally flooding myself with tears right now, I can't stop them.
So, it's started recently when I broke up with my bf(I couldn't take it anymore, I mentioned he was my "rock" in a previous post, but there is a lot more to him than that, I just always focused on the positive sides in people..).
So, things were okay for a bit.. well, not "okay", they were actually horrible as I felt like he didn't even show any remorse or guilt at the way he's treated me throughout the year+ we've been living together. Or at the way it's ended. Like it all never mattered. Yet he said we would be friends and that nothing had to change. He knew I needed him just exactly as a friend at this time, nothing more, nothing less. Because I'm supposed to be transferring to a far away city(for college), and I'm a foreigner here so it is 10 times harder than normal.
Especially since I have a dog, too, a big one so I couldn't take her with me.
So he was supposed to come by to look after her when I'm out of town.
He did it once. For 2 days while I was away. Also, my landlord doesn't know I have a dog, so it's harder since now I can't always cover up. About a week later, he basically removes me from all his social media websites(FB and such..), and when I asked what's going on, he was basically being a ****** about things unrelated to anything. And basically he completely abandoned me. In the time I literally have nobody else and need him most(most of my friends have traveled so..), and it gets worse.
He said that he tested HIV+ and till now, I dunno if it's a joke or true.
I've tested myself, I never had any symptoms, I still don't. My result should be out now, but I didn't leave a number and I'm too scared to go check. I actually went today, in the waiting hall, I lost control.. I almost cried, I was hyperventilating, I never usually do. I felt like puking and like I was gonna faint, I just couldn't take it and ran outside. And to top it off, I'm now getting kicked out from the apartment. I am almost 100% sure he's the one who called up my landlord, she was like, there is noise coming from my place. Like people, and very loud music. I haven't invited anybody over in 3 months or so, I mean there isn't even anybody now to invite. As for the music, on weekends sometimes I put on the speakers(still not that loud), plus you can hear people from all over the building playing loud music on weekends. Otherwise, I always listen in my headphones. And that's not all. I'm having troubles with my passport, it hasn't reached its expiration date, but soon it will be canceled anyway due to new rules, and getting a new one takes time, at the same time I have to apply for a new residency, I dunno how that will happen? Even the university I applied to itself, I really don't know what will really happen. I mean they said my application was fine but I dunno, the transferring process might have complications. And I've put my family through enough already, both my parents have gotten very old and they have diabetes and other diseases, and I feel like if something happens to one of them, it will be my fault because of all I've put them through.. I mean growing up was already hard enough, I thought this was supposed to be the time of my life but look at it, it's scattered in pieces, and I might be starting to die and not even know it.. it's all way way too much, my stress level has never been so high, I am all alone, I've never been more suicidal in my life. I mean it literally doesn't seem like anything is going to be better ever!!
I don't understand why life has to be so unfair, I never hurt anybody, anyone who knows me will be like "he's one of the nicest people I know.."
It's too much, and I don't deserve it..