|
Jul 16, 2015, 11:57 AM
|
 |
|
|
Member Since: Jul 2015
Location: Hawaii
Posts: 10
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by deprofundis
Morning, all. My name is Rene. This is the first time I've ever considered talking to other people on a message board about my condition, my problems, my ongoing battle with Bipolar I, dissociation/depersonalization, and OCD tendencies. After 7 years of misdiagnoses (and a 2-year stint of intense treatment for Dissociative Identity Disorder, which I didn't have), I was finally diagnosed properly and put on the right medication. I'm a working professional and reasonably stable but with an everyday baseline of lingering depression. My life is empty. I don't do well with people. I've never had a single romantic relationship before, only brief encounters. I feel highly uncomfortable in crowds and around people I don't know. When I'm at work, that's the only time I can keep it fully together -- I literally split, into a different kind of person, to keep super-stable in my job and be able to handle being around other people and deal with my many responsibilities. The moment I walk out of the doors and get into my car to go home, though, this persona drops and I'm often then overwhelmed by exhaustion, irritability, and simmering depression. I don't know where I'm going in my life. I turned 27 this year and, while some people think that's young, considering what I haven't yet achieved or even gotten close to achieving, I feel like a complete failure. No relationship, no further in my chosen profession, no graduate degree, no financial stability, loads of debt from manic spending sprees, etc. On top of all of this, every day I think about the darkness. The days spent locked in my room, completely overtaken by severe, psychotic mixed episodes, filling whiteboards with what I thought was the secret of life itself... cutting, picking, and being self-destructive. Loss of any and all control. And, now, I constantly feel the need, the urge to get it back. To let go. To give up and let myself fall back into the darkness.
I guess I just didn't know where to turn, and so I turned here.
|
I am similar to you in some ways. I am a professional and have a good job. Others see me as put together if not a superwoman. I have been married many, many times. I am now going down a bad path. I have not been here for a while. I am self-loathing at present because my life was set, I was helping others by attending a live support group every month or so, and now I am contemplating horrible things. I just had a scary Saturday. I do not know if the person who helped me caused it or is just trying to help. I am not broke but have wasted so much money it is embarrassing, I am afraid that if I reach out to you that you will disappear. I just found this site and am so overwhelmed because I have so little time that I am grasping at straws. I am afraid of losing my daughter. I am terrified. She is the only thing that keeps me on this earth.
|