I probably should have explained, sorry, but my mother is the reason I have BPD. She has always alternated between being very condescending, controlling and engulfing, and being very neglectful and self-absorbed, and being very sabotaging and spiteful.

I mean this is the mother who made me cry out of shame and fear when I tried to reach out for help as a little kid. She convinced CPS to back off our home, and then told me I was a liar and that if my dad went to jail it would be all my fault.

In some ways she is a monster, and everything seems to be a game to her. Trying to tell her how I feel and opening up to her just makes me that much more vulnerable, it is like putting blood in the water for a shark.

I think she is just ramping it up because I have started to do better lately with my new medication, and of course that's not okay. It's not okay for me to be doing better, becoming stable and gaining confidence.

So lately the game has been to try to undermine my confidence, be very condescending towards me and try to make me upset, as if she needs to prove to herself that I am still just her little mind****ed pet.

It's triggering some of my BPD traits, naturally, and that's exactly what she wants. She has never seemed to be able to handle it when I am doing well. I only deserve love and respect if I am a total trainwreck.