I'm ok, but tomorrow would have been my cat's birthday. I'm doing so much better with the loss than I ever thought I would, but I'm still just lost without him. He's been by my side, literally, for 12 years.

Then there is this girl, we're meant to be best friends or something (just online) but it's like she has this hold over me, and I hate it. I don't want to depend or rely on anyone, she hasn't even been there when I needed her most, it's not romantic feelings (anymore) but I still can't stand it. I keep pushing her away cos I don't want her having this hold over me, but then I always come back, and she says it kills her when I push her away but I don't know what else to do. I haven't told her in case it gives her even more power over me. And what if I ever have romantic feelings again? She's all but married, she doesn't want me, she never did and never will. It was my feelings for her that f**ked everything up, we were fine before that, now we're on/off constantly. I hate hurting her (or anyone) and I hate letting her down, but she let me down. I told her in January that I'd had a date set to end it (my life) and she just got really mad at me, so when we made up I said I'd never mention those things again (mental health issues) but then I had literally two words from her in 2 weeks, knowing about my cat, and how close we were. I always say I don't matter, only she matters, but dammit, I should be allowed matter too. I'm a person too.

Sorry to go on. Hope you're still ok. A week is great. I just want Bill so bad. But I realised that one of the things I like most about him is that he's on the other side of the world, I don't have to actually put up with him. Lol I'm so horrible, no wonder I'm forever single!!