Hi and thank you in advance if you are about to read this. This is my first time posting here and hope I am doing it right!

So I have been in therapy for about 2 months now and I had a confusing reaction in my last session. My T has been good about not pushing me to talk about that thing I am not ready for. I talk mainly about the symptoms I experience and about some of the coping mechanisms I use. I hit a bit of a wall in that last session though, and I think I knew it would be hard to progress without addressing it.

I thought I would feel a certain way when I was 'ready'. I didn't really feel ready (whatever that is supposed to feel like) and I couldn't get the words together to say it. I asked T tell me what she suspected (so that I would at least know if we were on the same page), I decided if she did not get it right, I would probably keep the secret forever, because it's too off topic to ever bring up, especially because my memory is not clear)

She said that she would tell me what she thinks it is, only because she thinks it will be easier for me. She also asked if I would be angry if she got it wrong to which I said no. So she asked if it was sexual abuse. I expected some kind of feeling of validation or understanding or relief even but none of these came I don't remember very much of what was said for the rest of the session. T asked what I was thinking and all I could say was 'im telling myself to concentrate.' Nothing seemed real, I was staring but not seeing.

When I left it took a while to come back to myself, I was surprised at how far I had walked. I had to get a friend to pick me up and I consciously put everything to the side and carried on as normal in this persons company. I didn't really think about the therapy session for a couple of days. When I did I got a sense of (guilt, i think?) It is similar to the feeling I sometimes get when I wake up after a heavy night of drinking and I'm already ashamed/mortified of what I think I might have done. This feeling wakes up with me before any memories (whether innocent or not) return to me, like it's built in.

So i guess what I'm after is to find out if my reaction to addressing this issue is completely off the wall? I'm getting nervous about the next session even though I know T will not push me and is brilliant in every way, my heart is still hammering. Can anybody tell me their own experiences of disclosing this information in therapy, and how they knew they were ready, and how they felt in the rest of the session and afterwards? I would really appreciate if you can share your experience. Thank you!