Hi there:

This is my first post here on this forum. I belong to another one as well, but almost everyone there lurks, and almost no one ever posts, so it has been of very limited value in terms of support.

I have some questions/concerns and I'm hoping some of the members here can give me some insight and/or share personal experiences with me.

Brief history:

Since childhood I've had problems with depression, wanting to die, extreme outbursts etc. Teen years were hell with lots of drug use, mood swings, self harm, suicide attempts etc. Early 20's devoted to alternative healing, but problems persisted. Mid 20's period of great turmoil. Problems were always attributed to the chaos that was my life (broken relationships, drug abuse etc) rather than any underlying issue I might have. I was however put on anti-depressants (Luvox and then Effexor) as I would have episodes where I couldn't answer the phone or leave the house for weeks.

Late 20's GP recognized that while I'd been treated only for depression, I was likely bipolar and started me on Valproic Acid. I was better than before meds but still had crippling depression, and still had episodes where I would have what I would describe as panicky rage. These happened once or twice a year and usually resulted in having to replace several hundreds of dollars of electronics and replace walls. During these episodes I would become violent with myself and my hubby would often have to restrain me.

Early 30's I got pancreatitis from meds. Was taken off one then the other. GI specialist told me not to take psych meds as I could die from them. I stayed off for months and had a depression that was so severe I was almost catatonic for months.

Got a pdoc who started me on Lamotrigine and Seroquel. I improved significantly but still had episodes with violent outbursts, still had hypomania and still had severe depression. As the depression wasn't nearly as severe as what I'd had in the past I thought the treatments were working.

I'll be 46 this summer and I've been on those meds since 2006. They've been increased and my last doc added lithium into the mix. I've had Olanzapine prescribed for the episodes of rage/panic that I get. I am still depressed to the point of not wanting to leave the house for several months of the year. Since the lithium I hardly ever get hypomanic and so am now depressed for most of the year.

My new pdoc increased my Lamotrigine a few months back, then added Wellbutrin. As neither has seemed to have any effect at all, he said he doesn't want to keep increasing my meds if they aren't working. He pointed out that I've been on meds all these years (19)and it hasn't worked. He suggested ECT.

The only thing I was worried about was memory loss (or any damage to cognitive function) and he told me that won't happen. I've read some posts here that allude to just that though... I didn't know that there were different types (unilateral and bilateral)

My questions are for people who have had ECT or for people who've observed loved ones through the process. Does it help? How do you feel after? Are you able to go off of some of your meds (my pdoc hopes for this)? Do you have memory loss? How likely is memory loss, how severe, and is it permanent? Overall, would you say it helped? I'm guessing it must because there seems to be quite the waiting list at the hospital and I will have to wait a couple of months for treatment.

Is there anything you wish you'd known before you went?

Lisa