She has probably gotten the results back by now, but she said her plan is to tell me during session next week- unless the results prevent her from making it to session, in which case she will tell me via text. But, from our conversation this week, it sounds like she is fairly sure that she has cervical cancer. Of course, I hope she gets good news that it is something much less serious-- but I'm preparing for that scenario. I even researched it so I'll have an idea of what to expect (and won't have to bother her with questions) when she tells me about her test results next week.

Up until our session this week, she had been kind of "off." I had not been feeling very connected to her or very supported by her, especially with respect to the assault I suffered last month. But after learning what SHE had been going through-- and hearing her talk about how much she had been thinking about me and how her diagnosis will affect our relationship, I suddenly felt very close to her again. Now that I know why she has been "off," I certainly don't blame her. While I wish we had been talking about anything else, the fact that I was the only client she shared this with--and she even took off her jacket to show me her IV scars-- made me feel like IS invested in her relationship with me. In fact, she had me kneel down next to her chair so she could show me the scars (and they were pretty bad). I told her I wanted to hug her but I didn't want to hurt her (given the bruises), and she told me I was sweet and pulled me in, and we ended up hugging for a long time. That was the closest I've felt to her in a while. I told her how much I cared about her and how much I would be sending her good energy while she waits for the results, and said she could really FEEL my caring and actually seemed moved by it. I didn't think I had said anything different from what her friends/colleagues must be saying to her, but she actually said I was being particularly caring and considerate. One never really knows what the "right" thing to say is when it comes to things like this, so I'm really glad that I did okay and my caring shone through. Because I really do care about her! Like I tell her all the time, she's one of "my people."

Given what she's going through, I'm much more concerned about her than I am about what I'm dealing with in my own life. Honestly, what I need right now isn't even therapy itself or an outlet to talk about my stuff-- it's knowing that the relationship I have with my T is real and that it's going to last, even if she does have to take some time off. That she still cares and that she'll be around, in some capacity, even if it's not always weekly sessions. I also hope that, if she has to take an extended leave, I can still have some communication with her and at least see her long enough to drop off some "get well" flowers or something. It's okay if she can't be the T who spends an hour listening to all of my stuff, but I don't want to lose the relationship or the bond that I have with her. I've had other therapists in the past, and I might have other therapists in the future-- but I'll never have another T-client bond like I have with her. It's special. She has said so, too.

At this point, I'm not interested in seeing another T even as an addition to my current T. It would only make me more sad to be in a strange room, with a strange T, wishing I was with my "real" T. I also don't know yet if/when my T is taking time off, or how severely her illness is going to affect our work together. Honestly, the biggest thing on my mind right now isn't even my own stuff-- it's my T. All I want is for her to be okay. If I can still have my relationship with her, then everything else in my life will be okay. I can deal with my own stuff. I just want to know that my T is going to be okay. I love her and I need her-- and so do her kids, friends, etc.

I've spent much of the last few days crying, but I'm also trying to be strong-- partially for her-- and get my own work done. I want to be productive and keep my spirits up so, when she asks how my week was, I can honestly tell her that I was fine and I got a lot done. I mean, if she's still at work this week even though she's waiting on these test results, what possible excuse could I have for not being productive on my work?! I'd like to be able to tell her that I kicked *** this week, I'm doing great, and she doesn't have to worry about me. I feel like the kindest thing I can do for her is to take care of myself so she doesn't have to, and she can conserve her energy.