I just needed to reach out as I am feeling so triggered, sad, and flooded with memories. Abuse is something that never goes away; the memories, the feelings, the PTSD. I feel myself screaming within, feeling like I am trying to run but there is no where to run too----there is no way out.

Tears fill my eyes as pieces of memories and pictures fill my mind. Words could never convey the fear and anxiety I am feeling right now. I feel like my world is crashing in around me and on top of me and I cannot even seem to move out of the way.

Like I deserve to be crushed under it all and feel the pain, terror, and hurt of it all. I could not save my sisters and brother. I could not save myself. I could not make everything okay, but see I was the oldest, the one who should have been able to protect them, to help them, to go through it all so they would not have had to ever know what I had already known for a long time.

Everything feels so heavy. Like I am floating within all the memories and the screaming, yelling, hitting, and watching it all on a TV that does not shut off, has no volume control, just screams back at me over and over. And all I want to do is turn it off, make it as though it never happened, hide it all within as once it was and no one ever knew the secrets. The secrets that never really mattered then and often times feels doesn't matter now.

Over and over my head sees what no one else can see, feels the blow by blow hits as they fill my mind; what the walls that surrounded me then held and if only they could have talked they would have told a horror story. The walls would have been red, full of pain, fear, images no one would have looked upon, and death....of a child that felt as though she carried the burden of the world and the secrets abuse created and made all of her hide deep within.

I want out. I want the end to come. I want the show to stop repeating over and over. It was too much. It is still too much even now. As an adult now one would think I could forget, forgive, and let it go. But I am failing. I cannot, no matter how much I want to or how hard I try......

It still plays as though it was all those yesterdays all over again. And I still feel like that little girl trying so hard to hold the world together, behind the glass....still banging for anyone to just hear, to just know, to just please help me. Just someone to care.

I was and am afraid, it will never end or stop. No matter how hard I try, how hard I work.......it still plays over and over again. And I am so afraid and still...........

wishing it would end or maybe I would end......................