The issue now is the trauma aka the trauma I wouldn't talk about or address. She's figured out that I act a lot tougher than I am as a survival mechanism and that I'm basically a quivering mess under all of this. If there was a legit nearby trauma oriented place (without locked wards) I'd go tomorrow but I know ending up in the hospital up here isn't going to be of any use to me and would likely scare me further and make me want to run from all treatment. I've been basically banned from all attempts to numb or suppress my feelings so this makes life oh so much fun at the moment.

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