Quote:
Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster
For a long time due to my horrible childhood I shut off my emotions all together. That plus having early onset schizophrenia(a blunted affect is part of my symptom cluster)... Yes, it did make me appear socio/psychopathic.
I am in therapy, and while I will never be an empathetic person, I can work on behaviors I know are holding me back and keeping me from having meaningful interpersonal interactions. My motivation is that I do not want to end up like the Narcissists who raised me, they both wound up miserable and alone. I do not want to suffer that fate.
I have modified much of my behavior as is. I am far more content, so whatever I am doing inside and outside of my therapist's office is working. I do not wish to "change" in the sense of becoming an empathetic ray of light. But I do not want to stop growing as a person, ever. I want to be better than the Narcissists responsible for my childhood. I want to rise above that. It is beneath me to act as they both did. So of course, my motivations aren't altruistic but alas, it is the nature of my disorder.
Your posts are always an interesting read, it's nice to see a new face here.  |
Me and you both. It seems this forum is no stranger to rough childhoods. A lot of people are surprised to learn I ran with gangs in high school. We were bullied until we became the bullies. I guess that's how it works everywhere (the other option is you shrink and fade away). I was jumped several times, until finally getting punched became something like a dog you kick too much. Eventually it's going to bite back.
Fortunately those days are behind me. Education, and rampant intellectualism became my coping mechanism. For its failures, I'm glad for having gone through it. Higher education tends to smooth the rough edges, but you never know when you may need a little sand in your character.
I'm equally as terrified about the dying alone thing. I don't think this fear is unique to a few guys with narcissistic coping mechanisms, however. I think this one is high on everyone's list. But it's good you're attentive to the behaviors of your parents, making notes to be sure not to repeat. I'm very similar with my adoptive father. He couldn't be more borderline if you put him in Seth Brundel's flay machine with Courtney Love.
Thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm glad you're on board here too. I've seen several of your responses to forum newcomers in the past few days. It seems like it's been pretty inactive in this section. Maybe we need to start advertising that we're looking for more narcissists.
