Hi Claire,
I have ADHD and BPD. My current psychiatrist was sometimes indicated he doens't think I actually have ADHD but it's all part of the BPD. I am not convinced though as I have some hallmark ADHD symptoms.

A little about me-I am 37, female and had inattentive ADHD as a child. In the early to mid 1980s ADHD wasn't such a hot topic as it is today, so being female and not hyperactive made it difficult for me to get diagnosed. My parents basically had to take me to an expert because the school board just thought I was slow. That wasn't the case. I got the help I needed and went from being a poor student to a pretty good one and ended up going to and graduating from university.

I would like to actually study the correlation of ADHD and BPD as I think there are a lot of people with both-ADHD tends to have strong correlations with depression and anxiety as well. I struggled with those since my early teens and always wondered if I was actually bipolar without mania. My moods would change so rapidly yet I would't go into manic episodes. Finally a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with BPD. So my psychiatrist wondered if the ADHD and depression were all symptoms of the BPD. I think they are, but I still think I have ADHD.

ADHD and BPD can present differently in many people. For me, one of the things that causes me the most trouble is noise. I can't block noise out-basketballs, clicky shoes, ticking clocks, bass from music far off can drive me completely bat S*** crazy and send me into a rage. I am distracted easily, and it can be difficult for me to focus on things for a long time. I have over come a lot of my ADHD symptoms however and have been quite successful in spite of it. How I believe it effects the BPD is that with ADHD a common symptom is FRUSTRATION...it's taking in so much stimuli that it's overwhelming. This combination with BPD can create a lot of problems. That's where mindfulness and DBT therapy come in.

In regards to your friend's symptoms I think many of them can correspond to both ADHD and BPD-here are my thoughts on them:

She has intense friendships and relationships
-Definitely a BPD symptom-could also be an ADHD symptom as it people with ADHD can jump in quick...then get board.

- always feels she's going to be blamed or is in the wrong
I think this is a symptom of both. Growing up with ADHD you are constatnly being told to "pay attention" and get critized a lot for your impulsivity, "laziness" inability, to follow through and complete tasks, carelessness etc. Having ADHD and also working with many clients with it ( I am an employment counsellor) I have found that low self-esteem and the feelings that you are always doing something wrong are common, and I think it's because you learn you are always wrong growing up.

- always tries to sus people out before letting her guard down
I am not 100% what you mean by "sus" it may be a British term I am not familiar with Sorry (or I am just getting old and loosing my abilities with slang lol)

- causes unnecessary arguments out of nowhere
This is probably more a BPD thing-but ADHDers could do this to create excitement

- intense emotions of shame, regret, sadness, embarassment, paranoia
I think this goes with both. Probably more a BPD trait, but again I can see it with both

- low self esteem
Definitely a trait for both-though ADHDers can appear quite confident and "the life of the party" they often have self-esteem issues for the reasons I mentioned about (in my experience).

- risk taker BIG time
This can go with both and is a huge ADHD trait. This is something I personally didn't have and still don't have. Though I have taken risks in life, I was always slow to do things like get my driver's license, get job, call people, ask someone out etc out of fear.

I am sure being friends with people with both "disorders" is challenging. I know I have pissed off many friends, family members and partners in the past. But I also have some traits that from these disorders are strengths. I am compassionate and empathetic. I can quickly develop relationships with my clients because I can easily adapt to their needs-I have insanely strong intuition and ability to read people. I am creative and kind and loving. But there are two distinct versions of me. There is the kind, happy, compassionate, outgoing me, and there is the angry, resentful, downright hateful, introverted, negative me. I hate the second version and I don't know why she pops up sometimes. I always found it so strange that I could go to party and talk to anyone, be the life of the party, etc one day, and the next I would want to go into a corner and hide. I can do a workshop teaching 40 people about resumes and crack jokes and laugh and be a great facilitator, but sometimes I can't go up to someone in a store because I am too nervous to talk to them. It's strange and it frustrates me that I am like that.

Anyway, I just thought I would give you some insight into me-someone who has definitively been diagnosed with both. As with anything, the disorders can present and manifest differently in everyone.

I think it's great that you want to help your friend. Sometimes that best thing is to just tell her how she comes across (you will need to be very SENSITIVE when doing this). I always remember someone saying "You're so negative to me"...it honestly was one of the best things anyone ever said- I of course was defensive at first...but as I thought about it was true...and it helped me to see it and make changes.
Misfit