I'm 24. I'm bipolar one. I grew up in a family of suppressed emotion. My dad had severe OCD and depression/ mood swings. He was all about maintaining: He had to be the fatherly figure, he had to be authoritative. Back in the 1950's and 60's, there wasn't as much support if you were an emotional guy. You were expected to fill a role. He did what he felt he had to do and I respect him for it, but when it came to me and my brother, he felt like he failed. He went to work and when he came home he pretty much wouldn't talk to us. He would ask us a few direct questions and then he would turn on the television and tune out. He always stood with the family and was true. He was dedicated.

I've adopted his coping mechanisms. I may not agree with the traditional family and think there has to be much more give and take. Roles aren't black and white and shouldn't be, but when it comes to my emotions, they get pushed to the wayside.

I have had a few good relationships, a couple of which had true potential, but because of bipolar on top of having the tendency of pushing people away when they get to close, have failed. I have difficulty making and keeping NEW friends. I have do have a circle of friends, thankfully. I can have a great first impression of a new friend, but won't follow up, for as many reasons as i can come up with. When you have trouble expressing your feelings for the people you genuinely care for, it's like being in a prison. A prison that's painful, but comfortable at the same time, because no ones going to call you out for this or that, but mainly hurting people's feelings, which I'm a pro at by the way.

I consider myself positive, but I ride myself hard all the time and do not seem to get where I want, moreover know what I want. Accessing my needs and desires seems impossible, with all my emotions pulling me here and there, but generally downward.

What are some good ideas for me to be more gentle on myself and on those that i genuinely care for?