I'm really at a loss for words right now. I've been in therapy for a year and a half, with a six-ish month stint three years ago also, and I think I am just at the wall. My therapist is a good one, but I'm not making any progress, and I think that is on me.

I went to therapy because I am very anxious. I have a hard time tolerating discomfort, which leads me to avoiding things that make me uncomfortable or panicking when I can't. But I also don't like myself, at all. My therapist says I am extremely self-critical and that I give all the weight to my inner critic and I pay no mind to anything positive that anyone says about me, nor do I allow myself to recognize anything positive in me. She says that I have to change the way I think about myself.

She tried to get me to make a list of things I like about myself or things I am proud of that I have done. I was honest with her: there isn't anything I would put on that list. She gave me an example, pointing out that my education was something I could be proud of, but it really isn't. It wasn't difficult for me. It isn't a big deal. It is just something I thought I had to do, so I did it. After I said this, this is when she pointed out that all I do is feed my inner critic.

But how do I do anything else? If I recognize that is a critical thought... then what? Knowing I am hard on myself doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the fact that I believe all these thoughts. I can tell myself the opposite... I can say, "Hey now, you're being hard on yourself. You wouldn't say a thing like that to someone else, so why are you saying it to you? You can be proud of the work you did for your education!" But that... does nothing. I don't believe those words. I never have. Anything I have ever done is less than what I should have done. Anything I am is nowhere near as good as it could be. Any attempt I have ever made at change has always ended in a failure. I am lucky to have the things I have in my life right now, my job, my friends, my family, because I don't deserve them. Trying for anything more would only make the fact that I don't even deserve what I have more apparent.

I realize this is a pretty toxic way to live. I wouldn't do it if I felt like I had any other options. But how do you learn to challenge your inner critic when it is the only feedback you have, and when you have totally believed and trusted that voice for years? Has anyone been able to do this?

Thank you for reading this... it feels good to get it out.