I sometimes wonder if what happened actually happened or if I imagined it because my memory is terrible but i randomly got flashes of memories that make me feel like no it was not imagined.
I've had flashbacks of directly after the abuse and it's aftermath starting after but continuing weeks and months after. the memories I usually get now and had sometimes gotten for about 4 or 5 years -I would get vivid memories of not moving in my bed staring at the wall and trembling profusely. I recall I checked the time and it was like 3 or 4. A kid my age shouldn't have been up. I always used to worry that what I remember was some sort of ****ed up sleep paralysis but I also remember the morning after. I don't recall if I ever drifted back to sleep or just. blankly kept staring at the wall until the sun came up but it came time to leave my dad's house and I felt bad for not giving my dad a hug but his two sons were in the living room and I felt sick and dread and I needed to get out. I remember leaving very quickly with barely looking over at my dad. I remember being so scared and confused after that for at least a month worried that I got an std or possibly pregnant because I was only like 11 I think I was so scared of that stuff but I didn't want to ask anyone or ask to go to the doctor to get checked out because I didn't want anyone to know. I do remember stuff about that night but I wonder if my mind is still trying to block it out.
sorry sorry this next explicit stuff I'm about to say but I think this is kind of important and..?
As I remember it,i guess most of it was in my sleep because I woke up and felt something was wrong and a little scared, and then I felt something remove itself and sick heavy breathing trying to be quiet I guess. at the time I didn't know where it was being put and it felt weird,but not a good kind of weird Just..weird. The person put it back in, only a few drawn out seconds, and removed it after a few seconds that felt much longer,pulling my pants up and continued the cycle for what felt like forever. I couldn't move I couldn't say anything and this felt like forever and I feel so sick now thinking back because I think he knew I woke up. I think He kept testing to see if I would do anything and I didn't. After that he left and I still lay facing the wall,now shaking uncontrollably. I didn't cry. Not that night,not after a week or a month or even a year. I didn't try to think about what happened and now sometimes when I do actually think about it I cry and feel so sick and used and disgusted. I'm sorry,I really really needed to say this.