I'm having a hard time and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to just forget about it because generally my life is the best it's ever been and there are hundreds of positives about it and I am happy.

Except I'm not sure I am. Well no, I am but I'm split hugely in two and honestly it is getting hard to manage. The self harm is pretty out of control. I went to see my GP who is lovely and my health is surprisingly okay but I feel pretty sick quite often. But I'm hugely pleased that I'm essentially well, it is very reassuring to me.

Being split this solidly in half, or fragmented or whatever they call it, is seriously hard to manage.

Okay, I'm not being coherent. What do I want to say? I want to move all of myself forward. I am tired of being split and self harming, and I know I have to feel in order to do so but I'm terrified of that because I have so much to do in my life, I'm balancing a lot of things that I cannot drop the ball on - and I don't want to drop the ball on! I realise self harming will eventually force my hand in the matter so maybe it is worth feeling now, but this is not something I feel safe doing without back up.

I have no therapist. My family are wonderful and supportive but they don't always 'get it'. Something important happened the other day in relation to my ex-therapist (I don't want to be specific), and immediately I text my parents sending them what I'd received, and no doubt they cared as they read it immediately but the response to me was "thanks for this, I hope you're having a good day at work - not long till the weekend". So I tried to leave it but I was freaking out and I had to ring them to essentially say "no, realise I'm freaking out - this is my stress point". And that's when I realised they had gone to read it immediately, and also that is when emotionally they did step up and respond as I needed them to (sometimes I react internally a lot but push it down externally in order to act normally yet I really need specific people around me to know I'm freaking out inside and to show that level of external care - does that make sense?). So that is positive - lots of positives in my life!

I realised tonight that what is playing out in the self harm, that I really cannot feel because I can't see a way to resolve this, is the whole "I am bad" scenario...because my therapist left me. Simply due to circumstances, so rationally I realise it is nothing to do with me at all and just a bad situation all round, but emotionally I feel she hates me and that she is.....well the image is of her dropping the doll version of me behind a cabinet and forgetting I was there and that I existed, and then moving house. I don't know what the emotion is that this image represents but it makes me feel awful. My immediate and compelling wish (which is why I've been self harming so often) is to fix it - be good, be seen and put back on the shelf - but I can't, it isn't someone I can contact and fix it with, plus there is no need to fix anything because this is all in my head, but goodness that is the impulse if I allowed myself to feel it...but feeling means reacting and I can't, or at least I don't know how to feel and not react (which is embarrassing to admit to). So I don't feel, or if I do and I'm not sure if I am, then it is coming out through self harm. I can't react externally, only to myself - does that make sense?

I don't know what to do. I'm very stressed. The recommendation is for me to get yet another therapist. But honestly, I don't know if I have the ability to go through yet another possibility of being dropped. I'd need a written contract or something to enter into yet another therapy relationship!... and even then I doubt I'd trust them. I feel I'm just noise....although yes in my rational head I get a therapist is a job not family, but there is something wrong with me emotionally, I guess.

So, I'm trying to know what to do for the best. My rational and competent head says to feel (aka cry) with supportive family and this will release the built pressure inside. My emotional head says, "I don't trust anyone" and my other head says "they care but they don't always quite get it, and as sensitive as I am right now, any tiny misalignment could set me back quite a lot" (and I don't think this is me avoiding as when I try it kinda always does, if I'm honest....even on that last example when I found out my parents had reacted but I just hadn't seen it, once I'd found out and known they cared a lot, I still haven't managed to settle from it because, for me, I feel I was the one who had to show I was reacting a lot first - as in stress that this was important by ringing them....my goodness I'm an idiot, aren't I?!)

I'm a freak. I genuinely want to move forward. I feel I'm kicking myself down all on my own; it's quite a feat actually. I want to be one person and not this fragmented split of people or at least emotions inside. I don't know what to do anymore which is why I'm doing nothing except the things I should do and that do make me happy, or at least one part of me...I ignore the other bit.

I'm happy with no therapist - but I want to be whole. Can I do this alone?