I'm middle-aged now. It's hard to believe, but I am. 45 is middle-aged, right? I'm still a Punk Rocker at heart; I'm still in my early 20's playing in my band... aren't I?

I played crazy music professionally in the greater Los Angeles region in the late 80's/early to mid 90's. Crazy music. Big fish in a little pond type stuff. I also suffered with mental health issues.

Have I mentioned that this thread may be longer than you care to invest your time in?

I was diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder - depending on the which doctor you talk to. I spent a couple days (against my will) in some kind of mental hospital when I was about 23/24. It was the only time in my life that I have been taken anywhere by the police against my will. I was scared. They got my psychiatrist in there and I was able to make her believe that I had no business being in there. They let me go earlier than the mandatory 72 hours. At least that is how I recall the events. They had me on all sorts of meds. Everything sucked. At times I couldn't get out of bed and wanted to die. Other times I was out in the middle of the night dodging traffic and climbing on roofs having the time of my life. I'd break into adjacent apartments and reek havoc, and then crawl into a ball under the dining room table and beg for the sweet release of the big sleep.

I believe in God with every fiber of my being, so I was always afraid of taking my own life. But if an "accident" happened, I was all for it...

Eventually, in my late 20's I met my wife. I hung up my guitar, quit playing music and married her. She is my everything! We've been married 18 years. We have 4 amazing children. I love my family. I thought all my "problems" were a thing of the past. Except, I knew they weren't.

There is too much to say. I must mention that I am a lifelong inftantilist, as well. That is, I derive great comfort in wearing diapers. I always have. Way weird, I know. There are a few others on this forum that are the same, but it is very rare and, again, strange. My wife knows and says she accepts me. But because of this trait alone this single post can't contain all the vitals on me; It can't explain what it's like in my head.

To cut to the chase: I am suffering. I am paranoid. I am depressed. My wife says over and over and over again that she accepts and loves me just the way I am, but the voices in my head tell me otherwise.

I've got to stop typing now. But I had to get at least this much out there. I probably have very little in common with any of you good people. But I would like to be able to fit in here and share.

Some nice lady posted in the Bipolar thread recently that she has a "poison mind." I know exactly what that is like. I can't sleep at night because of all the noise and sounds and voices (words?) in head saying all manner of nasty things. Accusing me. Telling me that my wife can't possibly love me. And asking what I would do if she told me to leave. I think of dying, but can't think of a way to do it. And I don't want to, anyway.

Sorry for the ramble. I just hope I can fit in here.