I realized today that I have lost a lot of hope. The loss that I have been experiencing lately has really brought with it many painful emotions. I am far away from home and it is a choice that I made under the false premise that me and my husband would be building a new life together in a strange new place together. Well I went first and he never came. My heart hurts from this deep betrayal.

Displacement has brought pain. The pain of not seeing friends, the pain of not being able to continue playing music and collaborating in the region I built a name for myself in, the pain of losing close proximity to my (few) precious friends.

I used to be a person that was full of so much hope. I had vision boards and prayers written. Many of my hopes were about doing well in school, which I did. Some of my hopes were about taking care of myself so that I could be in good health post breakdown and that I also did. I had hopes for my music which I accomplished. My major hope was to share the love of my husband for the rest of my life. I was newly married.

But everything fell apart about 4 months ago. I had been struggling with hope before that too. After I was diagnosed last year with bipolar I stopped believing in a higher power. I could not reconcile a higher power that would allow me to lose my mind in such an ungraceful way. I had battled depression for 20 years before bipolar came. I fought it fiercely and daily. Through my depressions I worked, I worked out, I made music, I went to therapy, I took medication. I fought hard for my life.

And part of the reason why the hope is gone right now for me is that I have been fighting my whole life. I had to fight to make a good living without an education as a teenage runaway. I had to fight to be respected as a musician. I had to fight to keep the darkness at bay that was always chasing me. My life has been a constant battle. Are all lives like this?

Part of me is just tired of fighting. I'm tired of dreaming up new dreams and tasks lists to accomplish. I want to lie down and give up.

But that is why I brought up hope. I know that I must continue to hope and to work towards my stability mentally, educationally and financially. I have to learn to hope again. I'll be honest I am afraid of hope now. I know that disappointment may be on the other end of that wish more than I have ever known it. I just hope I don't give up.