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Jul 19, 2015, 06:00 AM
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Member Since: Apr 2012
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 159
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Hey Bird Feeder,
I'm so sorry you've had such a traumatic childhood  . You are posting this in the right forum. Kudos on being a survivor  and even raising 4 children with limited resources, when in today's world, raising a single kid is difficult and on top of that, you even care for your mother-in-law while working full-time. Wow...that sounds exhausting amount of work! 
Are you seeing a therapist? If not, it would be a good idea to see one, just to ensure that you're not suffering from depression. You've talked about suicide - well suicide is a permanent "solution" for a temporary problem. Please promise that before you take any such drastic step, you would seek help.
It's unfair if you are the one running pillar to post to ensure everyone is happy. You have a duty of caring for your loved ones and you also have a duty towards yourself to care for you. You should get others involved so that they take up some responsibilities and leave a little "me-time" for yourself.
I think you should discuss your childhood and your struggles, with your children, they may be in a better position to understand you and even help you. If it's difficult to talk to them, please type out a letter and give it to your husband and your children. If they knew how much you have suffered and how much you have on your mind and hands right now, they may blame you less and help you more.
But, please do seek a therapist. Depression and traumatic abuse is not something you can battle alone and it's okay to seek help - earlier the better.
All my love.
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