Hey,

Need a good moan again..

I've been feeling really alone and 'abandoned' the last few days. I've been waiting for over a week for my therapist to email me back. I wrote to her about feeling anxious when I received a summary of my recent doctor's appointment. I don't blame my therapist for not getting back to me sooner as I can't even afford to pay for her time at the moment - she's just agreed to be there for me despite that, so I think I should just be grateful she's willing to help me at all. But I think the problem is she's really the only person I can share everything with..

To be frank, I feel like my friends don't care. I haven't heard from them for ages. They never really ask how I'm doing, or if they do, they don't really want to hear it - it feels like they're just asking because you're 'supposed to', and if I tell them something they're not comfortable with, they'll tell me not to think about it, to not feel it. It's maddening! For a while now, I've been making 'deals' with them (like my therapist adviced me to do) so that I can contact them with whatever, and then tell them what to say or do, what I need - but I'm so tired of that! I'm sick of always having to explain to people what I need, begging them to notice me - surely they'd ask me how I'm doing and what I need if they really cared?!

Since I suffer from really bad social phobia, I can't even just go out there and make new friends! I feel trapped and like I'm suffocating.. Of course, I can share here on PS and I'm SO grateful for that, but of course, I also wish for that more immediate connection with someone where I could just say what's on my mind and they could hug me as soon as they see I'm not doing OK..