I am so embarrassed and ashamed of my body and what I've done to it. The old scars, whatever -- they're a part of me; I've self-injured for 22 years now. But the fresh scars are like a scarlet letter signifying my mental illness.

Over the last few years, I've tried to cut only on my thighs where people wouldn't see. But what I did the other day -- I feel so stupid. At the time, I wanted people to see, so I cut my arm, repeatedly. It wasn't leaving marks, and there was no blood, so I kept doing it.

Only now I have all these cuts on my forearm, these long, red gashes that showed up later on, and it's so hot and humid and I can't wear long sleeves, and bandages make it look even more apparent. I almost didn't go out last night to a friend's birthday party because I didn't want everyone to see.

I feel like a freak, an obvious mental wreck. I don't even want to leave the house. They're going to take forever to fade. So much abuse to my body. The thing was, I couldn't stop crying for days. When I did this to myself, it was the release I needed, because I was able to stop the tears and calm down.

What a terribly violent thing to do to myself. I feel like such an idiot. I don't see a psychiatrist until September. I'm such a mess.