Tried to resist the urges to cut. Tonight it was so stupid, that my H wanted to have sex, but I was too tired, and he called me on it. So I came downstairs to sleep on the couch, but first grabbed a steak knife. Cut myself a few times on my stomach. At first didn't think I was leaving any marks, but then I realized that I was. It's been a long time since I"ve used anything beyond my fingernails. I just hate myself so much right now. In love with our marriage counselor, who of course I could never have. We see him tomorrow. It just hurts so much. Wanted to just have sex to be normal and like everything was OK, but was clearly too sleepy, at least according to H. Apparently not too sleepy to cut though...I'm such a mess... I seriously haven't used more than my fingernails in like 18 years. I'm so ****ed up....