the stimulant rollercoaster. I can totally relate to all the ups and downs you are going through. you have what sounds to me, an addictive personality. Always chasing that last rush....I am on stimulants myself. Have been for 15 years. And yes, I had my time that I was abusing them. Luckily, I was able to straighten it out myself when I got therapy.

I also at one point was abusing opiates, as they helped me fill that hole we feel. The emptiness, but after a while they stopped working. I was not as lucky with these as it wound me up in rehab and on suboxone therapy for it.

If you would consider some counseling or see a psychiatrist, I think it would really help. I am not a Dr. but most of the time, when people are abusing a drug, it is another underlying reason why they do it. And you sound like you do it to get you out of depression and give you motivation.

You need to get it under control before it becomes bigger than you. It is a viscious cycle as you said...the more you take, the more you want/need. All to solve this horrible feeling of doom and gloom.

If you don't watch yourself with the stimulants you may wind up addicted to them physically and need medical intervention......then they will never give you a script for them the rest of your life. I know you don't want that. So try and take them as written. That viscious cycle will end then for you.

Sorry for the pain you are feeling. Is a horrible place to be in. Definatly some counseling or Dr. could help you. Trust me; this is not a unique situation. Many of us here have felt like this at some time.

Be well