I feel for you!

I am just now telling my T. The first person I've told in decades. I have to do it in many stages to avoid disassociating. The moment things start to get fuzzy, I tell my T and we switch to grounding. I haven't been able to say the words of what happened, so I keep using stupid analogies until she understands and then she says it for me. Interestingly enough, she is choosing crass words. Her words make me feel something, usually anger, but I can't sustain it. [much like Whiteroses described, my brain shuts off like an overheated toaster].

I'm still dealing with the sadness over what life could have been like, "if only."