Thank you for your replies.

One of the ideas would be to use my GP as a base for the moment. It's not therapy, nor can I talk about anything more emotional with her in the time frame allocated but she is consistent and that is helpful.

There is non-private help but the resources and services are terribly poor that I've not seen the public mental health team (which I was referred to after a crisis early this year) for several months. My GP is chasing this but she phones them and can't get through or anyone to ring her back if she leaves a message either. It'll be nearly a month of trying by the time I next visit my GP so we'll see if she's got anywhere by that point. If she does get through then there is then waiting for an appointment which could again take 6+ weeks. I don't rely on that service at all.

I am assuming; a lot of it is emotionally driven not rationally so, but I cannot check. I want to more than anything, just to reassure myself but I don't trust my ex-therapist to reply to me so I don't want to ask.

What would a case story in a book provide? I feel I have quite a lot of perspective because I am split and do have a rational side.

I guess I'm feeling but not willing to confront it head on. Honestly, as ridiculous as it sounds - I'm too terrified to do that. Rationally I know feelings don't and can't kill someone yet, that is my fear. What if I faced being dropped behind the cabinet - that abyss - my physical body may survive but would I? I get that is stupid to say but that is my fear.

I guess my plan has been to wait till it goes away. If I don't face it and try to limit the self harm problems it'll naturally give up freaking out? But then I guess I still won't be whole and it'll be able to be triggered again at some point.

I don't know, I'm really confused by this. Perspective, reflection and logic doesn't seem to have any traction with that other part of me. But at least positively it permits me to keep going as much as I can.