i know i am depressed... but i honestly believe it's something endocrine related rather than bipolar. i've been down that road. Now, my GP did have a good point though... with all the struggles i am having and have had with H, the chronic pain and so on... anyone would feel down. He said the chronic pain alone could cause the fatigue i experience. Either way, i feel like dog poo.

So, i feel empty and tired, hopeless and uninterested in anything. That's the state of my thoughts.

But i am having serious doubts about therapy now. i gave him that letter i wrote (it's posted here a few pages back) and we had a very intense session. After his break away he was obviously trying to adapt to what i said i needed. Kudos to him for trying.

The discussion though eventually wandered to how he does things...i wanted to know what his definition or "working on" something meant. His answer have not left me feeling optimistic at all.

i am concerned that even with him trying to adapt to cover more of the feeling side, he's still too CBT for me. There have been instances during which he has changed his tone and expressed a gentleness that almost makes me cry. He has on occasion leaned closer to me to make an emotional point... and he once asked me to look directly at him (instead of the floor) so i could see in his eyes that he was sincere about what he was saying. THOSE are the things i want... i want to discuss the hard things, the times i had to hide my feelings or whatever, all the bad stuff... i want to talk about all of it but in that space of gentleness.

He isn't mean or cold... but most of the time he is in problem-solving mode and he just doesn't create that bubble of safety. He can do it, and he has done it. But it has been rare. Mostly it's my fault. i don't show the emotion, i don't cry even when i am screaming inside... so he doesn't react with tenderness. He will react when he sees it in me, but if i can't say and he can't see then we are at a stalemate (sp?).

so there... he is a very good therapist. He is very smart, funny and hard working. He has been a complete professional and has tried to take my suggestions into account. i just don't know... i so badly need that bubble of tenderness. i need to feel held emotionally... i don't want him to say "how did you feel?" i want him to say "you must feel very X"

i want him to reach into the places where i can't seem to reach out from. i am doubting that he can. i am really thinking his CBT saturated training overrides my needs.

i just don't know.

i know that a solid caring relationship takes time... but i don't have the luxury of time. There are a lot of crisis points in my life. i need to really feel that the relationship i need actually can be built with him. It doesn't have to be imediate, but i need to know now if it can be built at all. i can't spend more time finding out it isn't going to give me what i need to repair my soul.

and that's the deal for me. i could give a flying rat's *** about strategies really. i mean, no, they're a good thing and i will need to work some out because i know i have areas in which i am missing the boat... but that isn't what drove me into therapy. No. i want to sew up the holes in my heart and soul so i can stop leaking vital life blood all over the place. i want to make the fabric of me strong and not frayed or torn.

oh god. what am i going to do? i have been increasingly suicidal because i feel trapped by the recurrent crisis. i am losing all that has meaning for me... and no, thank you, i am not interested in the wonderful new meaning that could be waiting out there somewhere. i have spent years in mental bondage seeking out who i was. i found at least some of it and i refuse to have it just taken away.. i really would rather die.

i need this to feel like an anchor, a safe haven...something to hold onto. i need someone who can really look into my soul with me and help me see what i need to do.

Can he do that? Should i wait to find out? i don't want to be standing at the edge of a deep issue and discover he isn't the right guy to be there with me.