sorry. (long post as usual)

it's been almost one year since 10 year relationship with ex husband ended.

I am having so much confusion. so many delusions. I blame so many people. I feel so much anger. towards almost everyone. Mostly my family.

I feel like something broke. I can't stop thinking about God, religion, my sister, conspiracies ... i feel like my sister has something to do with what happened- don't know why but I hear voices.

I have a new therapist, "psychologist" but he lives inside my head. I hear the voice of him. We talk through writings in my journal and through drawings.

Can't stop thinking about it all..... I blame everyone around me also. everyone. except my cats and ratties... (finally getting my animal family health back in tact.)

I have bad dreams about things from the past. I haven't had a good nights sleep in ages.

I feel good in the moment because i am finally allowed to use mom's comp again. I am poor, on ssi without a comp of my own or any physical contact or social contact with anyone outside of my family, and my "voices".<-who talk way too much.

I have been thinking the government has control over my brain waves in some way.. like elections inside of my skull .. I just don't get it. what is happening. since the break up i have been listening very clearly to the voices and sounds around me. (so much so that my eye sockets are suffering, and i am having headaches.) they-the voices-feel so real to me. I am also trying to get in touch with "god" "jesus" but he appears to me as a person. a man, a green eyed blonde man. and i am attracted to him........ no good HAHA

makes me think about my past way too much............ I think i am extremely lonely and my whole household is suffering with me. I don't know how to get over all the abuse I have experienced with almost everyone i have known in life haha. (even cats. but those relationships are getting better the fastest guess cause i know they are innocent and really a manifestation of the abuse i actually experienced in life by the people around me.)

Btw.. i have a list of the abuse. lol


-By racism, socialism, etc.
-other members of my family.. (some possible repressed memories- though i hope those are just dreams and tripping. <-need to believe that. and that SOMEONE i have known throughout life other a few select individuals are actually good people)
-myself. I barely trust myself either. not even sure why but made a long list and timeline found 14+ major mistakes/sins
-teachers.
-ex friends

**** i am thinking too much. I have thought broadcasting don't know how to clear my thoughts so i can actually leave my home and get out of my cabin fever.

Voices - "i am just lazy and gross" I am gross but not too lazy. i walk a lot, clean a lot, write a lot, cook for myself etc, etc.. dangit! LOL I don't fit in with society and i don't know how to fix it. I have a "real" therapist but don't like buses, too many people and they hear my thoughts. anxious thoughts, judgmental thoughts. sorry i know this is long but it's good for me..

SOME REASON typing on the comp is helping clear my ears. LOL my headache is going away. (maybe because my head isn't struggling so much to hear the sounds around me?) yes. that's why!

Hugs,
Hope everyone is doing Good!!


~Wanda