Quote:
Originally Posted by Breadfish
Ho! Wait one moment. You are NOT ****ed up. You're struggling. There's a big difference. You made it 18 years! That's a huge accomplishment. Have some compassion for yourself. 
What went wrong yesterday evening? Howcome "not being up to sex" equaled "not sleeping in the same bed"? Maybe that's something to discuss with your H and MC? You don't state clearly why you felt like cutting, so this is some guessing on my part. But I can imagine (I have zero experience in relationships, so it's again guesswork) you maybe felt rejected or not good enough or disappointed in yourself because you were unable to satisfy your H. This is something to discuss with your MC, and maybe also in individual therapy.
Please be kind to yourself. You deserve it. |
Thanks for your response. It's nice to hear your kind words.
My MC had to cancel our appointment today, which sucked (though I doubt I would have talked about the cutting, but seeing him is usually comforting to me). But I did talk to my individual T on the phone for a bit. She was also telling me to feel more compassion for myself and stop blaming myself for everything. I mean, I was apologizing for the cutting because I felt like I let *her* down. She did talk to my p-doc, who fit me in for an appointment tomorrow morning. Hopefully changing meds will help. It's only since I've been on SNRIs (first Effexor, now Cymbalta) that I've even thought about self-harm recently. So I have to wonder if the meds are a part of it (I've been on various SSRIs in the past, too, but without these thoughts). I'm nervous about talking to p-doc, since she's so kind and caring, and it's like I didn't want to be letting her down either... I have my regular appointment with T Wednesday, too.
As for not sleeping in the same bed, I generally sleep on the couch now for various reasons. I keep trying to return to sleeping in the bed with him, but it seems to make me panicky. We haven't addressed that in awhile in MC, and he probably assumes we're in the same bed again, so maybe I need to bring that up next week.
I think the reason I cut was self-hatred. I've been in kind of a downward spiral of that lately. Like my H gets annoyed I apologize so much (when I just want reassurance, just him saying "it's OK"), and that, combined with some other stuff like not keeping the house clean, turns into me thinking how annoying I must be to live with and be married to. Like I expect too much and don't give enough back. And the whole not having sex thing, yeah, made me think I wasn't pleasing him. He has to put up with so much from me, that I feel like I should at least give him that...(I know, that's a terrible way to look at things). Plus I feel guilty for having feelings for MC (H, MC, and T all know about that).
Ugh, I'm just tired of feeling this way. I hope p-doc can figure out a med that will help me... And/or that my T can help me figure out what's really going on so that I can feel better.