Why continue with this?

I'm truly learning that there's no one 'out there', no professional, who can help. I've been feeling awful for some time now and have been just getting through by holding onto the comforts of my appointments - knowing that I had to be there at a certain time on a certain date. That's what gets me through each day, knowing my t will be there. I thought she'd be able to help me a little. Anf she has in her own way.

But, as wonderful as my t is, she can't really help me. She can't change the way I feel. Sure, she can offer suggestions and provide a compassionate ear, but she can't make me feel better; she can't make me want to continue existing. That's up to me, no one else - me.

And I'm not sure I want to keep just holding on, treading water, waiting to see my t and then still feeling like I can't go on afterwards. I saw my t today and it's just hit me. I'm living and surviving (just) holding on to the idea that someone, my t, anyone, will be able to help me feel better, feel whole, feel cared for. That's what keeps me going, that hope that someone can help.

But they can't. And, without hope, I just wonder what's the point? Why don't I just let go? Because no one can help me. And I can't help me. There's only one option left in my mind.