I'm 53. I'm weary, drawn out, empty, there is nothing left of me to give to anyone or anything. Although I have had very bad feelings about myself my entire life, I've never acted out, in an acute sense, until tonight. I have imagined hurting myself for a long time, but this is the first time I actually did it. I started first by slapping myself with my right hand onto my right cheek. The flashes of white light in my eye was a welcome distraction from my inner pain and the pain on the cheek felt good. Then I took both hands into fists and pounded my head really hard. It hurt my hands and wrists. It hurt my head, but it didn't hurt as much as the thoughts inside my head and it was a great distraction to the pain inside. I did this on and off. When the inside pain would rise again, I started hitting my head again. I even pulled my hair, but that is not as useful as hitting my head. Hitting is the best. It distracts me and then the dizziness afterward, the way it makes me feel numb, that felt refreshing. I know this sounds crazy and for as bad as my thoughts have been lately, I've wondered if I am losing my sanity. Then sometimes I think that my response to this crazy, messed up, evil, insane world is actually a fairly sane response, because this is one majorly messed up world and I don't really want to participate anymore, but I am trapped here so the pain rages inside my head. I don't know why I am sharing this. Maybe because it feels good to know that other people know how it feels to hurt so amazingly bad inside. At least I am not alone in this suffering.