Ok, so it didn't go very well today.

Before I tell you guys what happened, I will let you know that I have anger problems, in the sense that if my anger reaches a certain level, I will blast the %#@&#! off. I hope you all don't decide, after reading this, that I am completely out of my mind and have no business being in the field.

(You can see where this is going).

I %#@&#! exploded after the appointment today.

I get very triggered when I meet with my pdoc. And it's not just my pdoc, it's any pdoc. So I meet with mine today, tell him how things are going with the mood cycling, the anxiety, etc. I tell him that the medication is not helping. I tell him that I have SI'ed repeatedly over the last week. So he asks, "Are you seeing T tomorrow?" I tell him yes, and he says, "Ok... why don't you talk to him, and we'll just keep things the same for now. Then after you talk to him he can call me and we can decide what do do" What the %#@&#! am I paying him for then? And then the rage started. The anger started to come out in his office... I wasn't going nuts or anything, but it was definitely there. I walked back to my car which was parked a couple of blocks away... and I exploded. I took anything that was in my car and hurled it at the passenger side dashboard. A few CDs and cases, a big hard plastic hairclip, a bottle of lotion. Lots of things are in pieces on the floor of my car right now. Then I picked up the phone and called T and told him... I know I'm gonna see you tomorrow, but I just had a session with the doctor, and right now I cannot control my anger... I have broken things, and I need to tell someone how mad I am so that I can at least get that off my chest. Then I went home cause I had some time before school and I was sort of exhausted so I fell asleep on the couch for an hour. When I got up to leave for school, all the rage was still there. While I was in the car on the way to school, T calls me back. He asked what happened, and I said, "I %#@&#! lost it." He asked if I was in the car at that moment, and I said yes. He said that he didn't want to talk long if I was driving, but mostly he wanted to find out if I was safe. He asked if I still felt enraged. I told him that honestly I felt extremely explosive at that moment. He said that he wanted to make a contract with me at that moment, that I would explode anymore in the car because he wanted me to be safe and be able to come in tomorrow. I told him "I promise." I had taken Klonopin a few minutes before he called and eventually that helped to calm me down.

So.....

yeah.

He probably thinks I'm out of my mind now.

I have had explosive anger right after I started getting sick with depression and anxiety. It would mostly happen at home, like when my mother pissed me off. It would happen with my husband too, when something between us got me very angry. I also tend to have mini-explosions on my own when I get angered about something... they aren't full blown, usually just a hot-temper sort of thing. But this was one of my full-blown rage episodes where I wanted to destroy everything in my path. I honestly ran out of stuff to break in the car so I had to stop. Something this explosive has not happened in a long time.

I don't even know what else to say. I'm tired.