yeah. this is an issue that i've been thinking about a lot too. i don't want to feel too attached to him because i worry that i'll really fall apart when the time comes that we never see each other again. because that time will come. and i don't want to fall apart and lose my functioning. i don't want the pain. i don't think i can handle the pain.

i don't want him to see the little kid feelings. the neediness the dependency the pain the fear the anxiousness about him leaving the clinginess. i don't want to feel those little kid feelings, either.

i think that in therapy... he is trying to get me to talk less. talk less about why i feel a certain way. stop with the explaining stop with the justification stop with trying to preempt the little speeches i think he is going to give me. just feel the emotions. feel the emotions.

it is hard though because i don't want to feel the emotions. little kid primitive emotions. such immense vulnerability. i'm afraid of people seeing my vulnerability because i'm afraid they will see what power they have over me. i'm afraid they will see how exploitable i am. i'm afraid they will be repulsed by me and / or angry with me and want to hurt me. i have a lot of shame and fear and embarrassment that i even have those feelings.

but i've been feeling them a little... and he always responds really well. kind of leans forward and feels them too. but it is hard. it is oh so hard. i don't want to need him i don't want to depend on him i don't want to care about him so much. i wish the feelings would go away. i don't want to tell him how i feel about him i don't want to show him how i feel about him i don't want to feel any of that at all.

it is %#@&#! terrifying. i so... don't want to go back :-(