And now I actually notice it. A lot.

Bad thoughts creeping into my head. Have said some stuff to people I regret now ... people get worried enough about me as is, and I go and make it worse. Just want to continue to drink until I cant feel the pain anymore. Could do far worse to myself physically - but I wont spell that out (nothing suicide related). Want to stay in bed all day. I'm actually at the point where I can barely smile (just to be polite) ... that doesn't happen very often. Can't keep my story straight to lie so people dont worry. Cant take care of myself. I know I should eat and sleep and try to function - I just dont see the point anymore. All the thoughts in my head that tell me I'm bad and worthless are winning - and it doesnt even matter that intellectually I know better.

Crying myself to sleep. Hate crying in public, hate crying in front of people and yet I've done both this week. Why is life so hard. I'm sorry for complaining so much recently and for being 'emo' and for wasting everyones time.

I cant find a way to really reach out. I dont want to upset anyone or waste their time when i should just suck it up and deal with my life and my problems. Good for nothing b!&*$ that I am. I cant help anyone. I see everyones pain in their posts here and I cant say anything comforting because I just cant formulate thoughts. This post in itself is like a rambling free association exercise - just happens to also have punctuation for once.

I'm sorry for being me.

I dont know how my friends or my T or my chaplain are going to help me out of this. I dont know if I'll even tell them how bad it is right now. I cant risk people finding out that I'm weak and selfcentred and just generally a subhuman being who doesnt deserve anything good to happen to her ever.

Yes, I know this is post is full of cognitive distortions. I just dont care. Whats the point of just being numb... apathy, I think. I'm on my way there.

I feel like going and hiding but since I can never do that I'll just sit quietly in my corner and try very hard to be a good friend and to 'fix myself'.

I'm sorry. I love all of you. I just dont and never will love me.