I'm feeling pretty awful. Just a bad day generally with screaming in my head about how worthless I am. I asked a friend if she gets screaming to and she said she gets very critical of herself but it doesn't scream. My head feels physically loud, I'd imagine it is the physically manifestation of anxiety.

My other ex therapist from awhile back who I traumatically left and then went into crisis which is where I started with this recent ex-t has told me not to contact her anymore as it is a barrier to me finding help.

I'm devastated. Already feel worthless and abandoned. It would be easier to know she is there. I don't rely on her, I won't contact her for weeks at a time. I've made a point of it. Clearly I'm a disgusting waste of space.

I get told "when I'm ready for help"...but I am ready for any support, but I'm incredibly afraid of trusting anyone who will stab me in the back again. I don't want to be sick anymore, and it makes me feel extra worthless when it feels I'm told that the help is there when I want it as though I'm being bad.

I'm doing the best I can. Accessing therapy is really hard when emotionally I feel I'll be stabbed. That may sound extreme, however I think a lot of people on here can relate to it. Most of the recent posts speak to it.

I need to deal with this but I can't, I'm not brave enough. And when people leave me, all I hear is - you're not worth my time. I want to be worth their time. I don't want to be worthless anymore.

Apologies for this post, feeling very emotional.