Tonight was my first individual session in a while. T talked a lot. I listened. He gave me food to eat and water to drink. This is the first time we have eaten together. He typed an email for me on his laptop while I watched him. At close range. That felt good. I couldn't seem to follow through on any topic, and I feel almost apologetic about that. All I can deal with in therapy right now is the divorce and it's actually going OK so not too much angst to deal with. At least for today. T said someone told him once that going through a divorce is like having a second fulltime job.

I had this urge to rehash our therapy history together. Does anyone ever do that in therapy? I wanted to look back over the months at what we had done. Our history. I looked back a little over our 2 months of couples sessions together (they're over now) and did some reflecting, but it was disjointed. I wanted to look back over my months of individual therapy too. I wanted to see sense there, and abstract meaning from it all, and discern paths and direction. And see if it all makes sense now that I am where I am. Is this an odd impulse? Do you reflect back like that? Do you ever feel your T knew all along where you were going even if you didn't? I don't know if mine did, but I would like to get his spin on our early months of therapy, before going to couples. What did he think we were doing? (Will he even remember what we did, amongst the competing memories of all his other clients?)

Why do I want to do this? Is it a way of starting to say I am done and good-bye?

I also had a strong impulse to thank T for all his help. I think I managed to do that a little in regard to the couples therapy. But what I really want to do is thank him for all his help in individual. He has really saved my life. And I want him to know that.

But mostly he just talked. And I flitted around. And he tried to deal with my fears about an upcoming scary event next week (his composing and sending the email in my presence was to help allay one of my fears). I thanked him for sending the email, but that was really all I was able to thank him directly for.

I think I shouldn't take my med right before therapy. It makes me really up and kind of bouncing off the walls. Flit. Flit. Flit. T may think he is talking to a different person. Hard to be reflective under the influence. Does anyone here tell your T if you are on meds? I haven't mentioned this to mine. I kind of feel like a failure because I started taking this anxiolytic about 5 weeks ago. It's kind of embarrassing to me I sought out medication for anxiety. Is this the sort of thing to share with your T? Or would he just not care (i.e. that is the doctor's domain)? I almost feel like I owe him some sort of explanation for my uncharacteristic behavior in session.

As you can tell from this post, I am still flitting around.