It sounds like you have a lot going on. I'm sorry that therapy and medication did not help. I can't really figure out what is going on with you as I'm not a professional, but it does sound awful. I think I do see some depersonalization and depression in what you say, but therapy and meds are the only way I know how to cope.

I hope others have better solutions for you as I know a lot of people manage without meds.

Good luck to you. And keep posting, sometimes I think just writing it out helps.

I will say that sometimes when I'm really down I find a flower and just enjoy it's beauty and aroma. There is something about seeing this natural beauty that brings me back to reality and the wonder of nature.