> That sunk deep down into my heart, when I feel alone I can take out that memory and wrap it around my heart like a warm blanket.

yes. i know what you mean. i have a few memories like that.

but... they fade. i find that they fade. sometimes i feel a bit distressed and i can call them to mind and feel some of that wonderful safe warm feeling again. but sometimes i feel a bit distressed and they just won't come to mind. i guess that means... i still need him, huh.

he said something before (very gently) about how we are together for a time and he hopes that i gain something positive from him so i can take that away with me. something about my taking that with me for when i'm working with someone else. the pain of his leaving hit me then but i didn't show him that at all.

i'm gonna leave him. i only just realised that. i'm gonna be the one to leave this time. i have to go somewhere for a couple months soonish... then next year i have to go overseas for a year... after that i'll only be here for another year most probably and then i'll be moving on. i keep leaving him. but it still hurts. it still hurts. it still hurts me a great deal. just the fact that i don't get to see him.

panic. yeah. lots of panic. i worry that his daughter must be really needy and dependent and small and that he won't want more of that from me. gets enough of that back home most probably. it hurts to think about what she must get from him and to know that it is too late for me. i'm too big. nobody can cuddle me 'cause the body is too big. nobody would even want to. i'm all polluted and defiled... dammit it is hard.

i... have started to realise why i'm so afraid of feeling connected to him. 'cause i did feel connected to somebody once. and... other people found out about that connection and they thought that i was dirty and bad and wrong. and now connection... feels dirty and bad and wrong and perverted somehow. and i feel ashamed. avert my eyes. it hurts so much.