It's discouraging. Last week, I thought I was finally ready to start working more seriously on this, but now I know that I"m just not ready. Not nearly ready. All I feel is fat, and all I want is to see the needle on the scale go down until I finally know where it has to be for me to stop feeling this way.

Yes, I know. It's not real. It's just the sickness. It is so hard. I see the doctor in a few days. I haven't lost much since my last visit, but I know that he's planning to talk about it at this one. I wish there were some way to work on this without having to think about gaining weight -- let alone gaining it for real. I'm afraid he's going to prescribe a drug to make me gain, but I'm also afraid he's not going to think that it's serious enough to make it a priority.

The worst part of it is that the trigger is something that I don't understand. I found out I was right about something, after a long time being told I was wrong. Why would that upset me so much that I feel as if I have to eat less? Why doesn't that make me feel as if I can finally relax?