You are definitely not alone And you are definitely not crazy. You are right that the world can be an extremely difficult, messed up place at times. But it can also be challenging, beautiful and exciting. I'm sorry you haven't been able to see that side of it yet.

I know that it may seem that only by harming yourself can you minimize the pain but it's not the only way. Are there any other activities that you enjoy that help you to relax or minimize the painful thoughts? Writing/journaling, singing, reading, walking/jogging, spending time with family/friends/pets? Sometimes even just having a distraction from the pain for a small time can help us to manage it better.

Also, is there anyone you can talk to about how you are feeling? A family member, friend, therapist? It can be very difficult to manage this alone. PsychCentral is also always here if you are needing to vent or talk.